Evolution & The 2nd Law of Thermodynamics: An Ongoing Conundrum, Part 3

Let us at last take a moment to pay our respects to the last great Mitsubishi Evolution...

The 2006 Evolution IX arrived on our shores like a tourist whose fashion sense was more than a little lost in translation. Frankly, the IX looked like the hormonally imbalanced attempt of an angry teenager to salvage the remains of an automotive lost and found bin. The trademark rear wing remained laughably disproportionate. Apparently, the designers from Mitsubishi had learned absolutely nothing in regards to aesthetics (or aerodynamics, for that matter) since the Evo VIII. The IX, like its predecessors, continued to reject the standard “slippery finesse” sports car motif. Instead, its aim was to free itself from the shackles of the wind tunnel through brute force, blast itself halfway across the globe, and literally crash the caviar-laden party at Pininfarina. This car was not about the art of seduction, but about getting down to business, unapologetically shoving its over-blown cylinders in your face with a dare. From there, you could take it or leave it. As expected, most turned away in disgust, but the few who were able to put aside their yuppie machismo experienced a ride they would never forget.

The greatest attribute of the IX was its undeniable integrity. This machine was raw and uncompromised, never attempting to be anything other than what it was: a stripped out driving machine ultimately more intense and connective than any 4-door coming out of Bavaria. Its heavy fisted intentions were grotesquely clear, and were made even clearer as they mirrored the unscrupulous intentions of its buyers. Choosing an Evolution IX meant that you had only one thing on your mind, and you were going to get it, societal approval (and The Highway Patrol) be damned. The IX’s presence in the market was a refreshingly brisk slap in the Botoxed faces of other “performance sedans” that grew softer with each generation, systematically reducing themselves to “sport trimmed” baby carriers bought by consumers whose true affinity for athleticism rivaled that of Sporty Spice. But the IX was different. A drive around the block would never put the baby to sleep at night, but my oh my did it wake you up in the morning.

Accelerating, braking, and turning in the IX were seemingly commanded by your will and not the pressing of pedals or the twisting of the wheel. Driving this car was like riding a rocket powered Segwey, but without the embarrassing “prick on a stick” factor. This same responsiveness, however, resulted in anxious fear and potential danger for the inattentive driver, as every millimeter of movement registered a comparatively mountainous response, for on the other side of the connectivity coin we always find words like “fidgety,” “frenetic,” and “twitchy.” If you took your eyes off the road and your hand off the wheel for a second to reach for your Grande Latte, you could find yourself inadvertently pulling into the non-existent Starbucks on the right. It was that good at reading your intentions. The IX responded to your instinctual desires before you could filter them, and that was a dangerous thing…if you happened to be the mindless fingertip-steering type who frequently got the “the wandering eye” during your commute. Like a jealous wife, the IX made you instantly aware of any potential duplicity in your focus. On the other hand, if you were the type that delighted more in the dependably moving song of a high performance engine than in the decision making of a franchised radio station, this was the safest car you could buy. For such people, the IX was safe not because of its crumple zones, airbags, or its fantastic brakes—it was safe because it made us better drivers. The Evo IX practically frightened us into keeping both hands on the wheel, our eyes pinned to the road, and our minds cleared of distractions. In truth, every car on the road going past 30 mph carries life or death on its wheels, but the Evo IX made us viscerally aware of this reality, and the sane among us responded with respectful attention to the only important task at hand: driving. But as we drove, just drove, the IX thrilled us through a symbiotic relationship built on speed, agility, and intoxicating levels of fun. Perfectly heel-toed downshifts were collected like points in a video game as increasingly challenging corners were conquered with wide-eyed enthusiasm. Meanwhile, sling-shot blasts off the line past a competing Porsche Caymen S never failed to elicit uncontrollable laughter, joyous self-affirmation, and more than a hint of judgment for others. And the most magical part of it all was that the vast majority of these adventures happened on the way to work, the grocery store, or the post office. Despite the IX’s ability to crank out mind-blowing track test numbers, its greatest and most important trick was its ability to resurrect what most drivers considered dead time by injecting pure adrenaline into the mundane.

So let us now raise our shots of sake, and bid a tearful farewell to the Evolution IX. (This one is worth crying for, no matter how big your biceps are.) In this time of ever-increasing automotive compromise, nothing, not even a car that built its legacy upon being extreme, is safe from the hegemonic monster of mainstream mediocrity. What’s next? A Lotus minivan? A Porsche SUV? Oh wait… Seriously, we need to stop and think about this: Porsche, the maker of the 911 that most of us dreamed about as kids, killed that very car and built a Porschesaurus.

Nothing is safe. And now, the Evolution we know and love is dead. Mitsubishi has abandoned its dominant position in a segment it practically created in hopes of scrounging a few scraps off the ever fattening BMW 3 Series’ table. For shame… But as is common in life, greatness often shines for but a moment, and when that moment passes, we must learn to be grateful that greatness can exist at all in a world where the blind lead the blind to car dealerships and impossible mortgages. Alas, let us eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die an anesthetized death of Tauruses and Camrys.